Sex: A Mysterious Act January 16, 2010

Sex is not something that I have often. My husband would like for us to have it everyday but frankly, the thought of it is just plain exhausting. I was having a conversation about my marriage with a good friend the other day and when I told her how often my husband and I have sex, she nearly fell off her chair. For the last couple of years, I bet I could count on one hand the times we engaged in the act. She, however, felt guilty for only having sex 4-5 times a month with her demanding husband when they used to have it 2-3 times a week. YIKES! I just don’t like it and don’t understand why.

My first encounter with sex was not a positive one. I was very young and he was a popular guy a couple of years older than me. I had no idea what I was doing and got scared. I told him no, but he insisted. I kept saying no and before I knew it, he was finished (and left) and I was in the bathroom, bewildered, feeling numb, and unsure of how I felt about what had just happened. The next day I left on a band trip. I remember sitting on the bus feeling dirty and thinking that my parents would be so mad at me. I started to worry about what he would tell his friends. I began to hate this guy. I wanted to forget about him and what had happened but I had to see him everyday at school.

It wasn’t long after that I had my first high school crush. There were four girls competing for him and I ultimately landed him. I was so obsessed with him. We had sex too because I thought that was what we were supposed to do. I remember thinking that I had to make him happy and make him feel good. I didn’t know then it was supposed to make me feel good too. I honestly thought it was my job to produce that ”ultimate” feeling for a man. Who knew that sex is supposed to be associated with words like pleasure and orgasm? I suppose that way of thinking followed me throughout my promiscuous teens and twenties.

I often found myself in situations where I couldn’t say no. I’d get wrapped up in the heat of the moment only to be discarded later. I would feel empty, guilty, and regretful all of which has likely shaped my self-esteem or lack of one. I worry about my children. I don’t want them to make the same mistakes I did. I don’t want them to feel about themselves the way I feel about myself. I’m angry that my parents NEVER had “the birds and the bees” talk with me. If sex was ever mentioned, the subject was quickly changed.

So many women say that if their husbands help around the house, the willing give sex as if it were a reward. I, on the other hand, have the husband who does lots things around the house and lots of things with the kids and he still doesn’t get sex as often as he’d like. Why doesn’t that turn me on? I wish that my feelings about sex were different. I feel like I am missing out on so much pleasure and my marriage suffers as a result. I wonder if my negative feelings toward sex could ever become positive. As I’ve stated in an earlier post (Detox, A Grueling Process), my female “equipment” seems to be broken. Is it possible that there isn’t anything physically wrong with my “equipment” but only dysfunctional as a result a psychological breakdown? I wonder how many other women are dealing with this same issue. I don’t know, maybe I am the only one.

Sleep, An Elusive Necessity January 8, 2010

Sleep. Everybody needs it. Everybody wants it. I never seem to get it. This has been a struggle for many years, as far back as my teens, but reached a new level about four years ago. Night after night it is the same story, tossing, turning, and frustration. No wonder my marriage (and every other part of my life) is a mess. After a late night snack, catching up on some programs on my DVR, and playing around on Facebook, I am usually “ready” to go to sleep at about the time everyone else is getting up. I know, I know…you’re thinking all of those things would keep me awake. Well, you would be wrong. 

I have complained to my primary care physician countless times of my plight. She continually swept it under the depression “rug”, which in some cases of depressed individuals this might be true. For years, I’ve pleaded with my doctor that my depression was a result of my sleep issues and not the other way around. No matter what antidepressant or anxiety medication I was on, the sleep issue was never resolved. She finally prescribed an antidepressant that alleviated my depression symptoms, but the chronic fatigue and daytime sleepiness remained. She then sent me in for a sleep study (something I felt she should have done years ago) thinking at most I would have sleep apnea or restless leg syndrome. But much to her surprise I had neither, I had a more complex sleeping disorder. It was discovered that I do not achieve REM sleep, your restorative stage of sleep. She believed, based on my test results, that I have narcolepsy. No, I don’t fall asleep in the middle of a sentence like Homer Simpson or fall asleep while driving, but I am excessively tired most of the day and have the tendency to need sleep in the afternoon. But at night, when I am supposed to go to sleep like everyone else, I cannot. Wouldn’t you think that being so tired all of the time I would be able to fall asleep easily at night? This question perplexes me.

My doctor finally referred me to a sleep specialist who in turn ran another over night sleep study, this time with a sleep latency test the next morning. Oh did I ever hate the sleep latency test. They woke me up at 7 am, made me stay awake for two hours, then allowed me to fall asleep again only to wake me up after 30 minutes. This cycle was repeated four more times. After the second time I begged the technician to stop and said that I now understood why sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture.  Of course she didn’t stop and just laughed. The results of the first test were the same (no REM) but the results of the second test were more revealing. The sleep latency test showed that it took less than five minutes for me to fall asleep during each torturous cycle. I am indeed borderline narcoleptic with one caveat, I don’t achieve REM sleep as narcoleptics do. Instead I was diagnosed with Idiopathic (which means “no known cause”) Hypersomnolence. Great, now I have a diagnosis, so what are we going to do to fix it.

My sleep doctor gave me techniques to try that didn’t work. He prescribed more sleeping pills (even though I’d tried them several times over the years) but they often give me a hangover and keep me from getting out of bed the next day. I’ve even tried Xyrem, a VERY powerful, difficult to obtain (through my insurance) medication that I thought would be my miracle drug, the one that would solve my sleep problems and allow me to have my life back. Unfortunately it just made me nauseated and gave me this uncontrollable need to move, which of course kept my husband awake (like I don’t feel guilty enough). With Xyrem, you are instructed to be in your bed when taking it. In principle it is supposed to knock you out relatively fast. But no, not me. I laid there for over two hours, feeling sick, with my muscles twitching & contracting like I had Parkinson’s Disease. I was so miserable & disheartened; I just wanted to die. Months later, my frustration continues to grow as I feel the doctors are just treating the symptoms rather than trying to find the root of the problem.

As a result of my inability to fall asleep at night, my children have found it impossible to have a routine sleep schedule. Because I am awake, they believe they should be awake.  This is all the more reason for me to get my sleep disorder under control. This pattern is a disaster waiting to happen. If they were old enough to be in school, we’d have a serious problem. Not only would they not want to get up in the morning, but their cognitive functions would likely suffer as a result of sleep deprivation. Not a good combination for growing children. Why can’t I just sleep normally, like most everyone else?

According to medical professionals, sleep affects every facet of our lives including learning, memory, mood, cardiovascular health, immune function, and metabolism. Much to my dismay, I could be the poster child of what sleep deprivation can do to a person. I seem to get sick all of the time, my memory and ability to retain newly learned information has completely diminished, my mood bottoms out often, and my metabolism is so sluggish that weight loss seems impossible. I no longer have the energy to do the things I used to, I’m heavier than I’ve ever been, and I’ve become somewhat of a recluse as a result. I am not a medical professional but wouldn’t common sense tell you that my sleep disorder may be the largest contributing factor to my extensive list of health problems? Why can’t I get this sleep issue resolved? I’ve learned to be my own health advocate but honestly, I’m running out of steam. I’m tired of having to repeat myself and my words falling on “deaf” physician’s ears. Suicide has crossed my mind a few times but I know that is NOT the answer (more on that another time). Meanwhile I continue to suffer as my sleepless nights & sleepy days go on and on and on…

A New Year: Resolving to Change January 8, 2010

The ball has dropped and we finally have let go of 2009. Well, in some sense it is gone but unfortunately 2009 will be with me forever. It changed me in ways that cannot be undone and left bitterness that could potentially destroy me if I let it. I say “if I let it” loosely as if I have complete control over it.

Unfortunately, we opted not to go out to our annual New Year’s Eve party this year since I wasn’t feeling much like socializing. I felt really guilty about it. But we stayed home with the kids and watched movies. I keep trying to convince myself that since we are starting off the year doing things differently that the new year will be better. Chances are undoubtedly in store for us this year. Some of which I am not to sure about. Not because they wouldn’t be good for us, but because I don’t deal well with major changes out of crippling fear.

So what will I work on in this new year? I probably should take it one day at a time since perfectionism and disappointment seems to be my norm. I don’t want to set myself up for disaster like I have a tendancy to do. Being antidepressant free isn’t going as well as I had hoped probably in large part to my sleep disorder. But I also have to consider the time of year. Winter’s sunless days can influence my depressive tendencies. I suppose I have S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder) in addition to Bipolar Depression. I’ve looked into buying a S.A.D. lamp. Not only am I hoping to be a little less depressed by using this lamp but I am also hoping that it will help my sleep disorder. Maybe it will reset my circadian rhythm to match that of everyone else.

I’d also like to have another baby. Yes, I might be crazy given that everything in my life seems screwed up but my biological clock is ticking. In order to do this, I must lose weight. Every year I seem to lose a significant amount of weight only to gain it all back the next year. PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and thyroid disease make it increasingly difficult to conceive and to lose weight. Bad luck, I know. The story of my life.  Another problem I have is that sex is required to have babies and well, I hate sex. I’m sure there are probably deeply rooted issues with hating sex but my lack of self-esteem also plays a part. Being heavy zaps any self-confidence I might have had and contributes to my self-hatred. This vicious cycle is sometimes so overwhelming. I feel like crawling in a hole and never coming out. Oh wait, I have done that to some degree. I hardly ever leave my house.

Lastly, I’d like to be a better parent this new year. So many people have commented on how well-behaved and intelligent my children are and believe that I am the reason. But I don’t feel like I’ve done enough. My husband tells me that I am putting too much pressure on myself and that I set my standards way too high. And he might be right. I’ll write more about this in another post soon.

Well maybe, just maybe, this will be my year. I’m not sure how much more disappointment I can handle in my life. This year I hope that I will learn to deal with the highs and lows of my bipolar depression without medication. I hope to take better care of myself and those I care about. I welcome this new year a little guarded and a little hopeful. And as always, I hope that my children remain happy, healthy, and safe. Happy New Year Everyone!

A Defining Moment December 27, 2009

After seven years of marriage I finally “stepped” out on my marriage. Not because I don’t love my husband or family but because I have this overwhelming craving for the “high.” I feel so dead inside, void of passion in any form in my life. When I capture the attention of someone, male or female, I become obsessed. It makes me feel so over the moon that I am worthy of someone else’s attention, I can’t stop. It becomes a game for me. It consumes me. I think about it night and day. And this time it became sexual. I don’t even like sex. When with my husband I just want it over with.

I know that it is wrong but I still want more, it is like a drug. Maybe it is because I am not getting what I need out of my marriage. I’ve told him about the other man, a man in which he knows and is in the same line of work. He was angry. I told him about how this man listened to me and how that was so attractive to me. We used to talk for hours on the phone and it wasn’t one sided conversations like I’m used to with my husband.  Despite explaining that I need more from my husband in our marriage, the emptiness remains and my mind (and eyes) continue to wander.  

What human doesn’t want to feel needed and loved? My obsessive compulsive tendencies take feelings of wanting to feel needed and loved to a new level. Probably a level that isn’t healthy. From a psychological standpoint, it is likely I have underlying issues that haven’t been dealt with which exacerbate these desires. I haven’t found a therapist yet that will help me deal with that though. I sometime have trouble opening up to my therapists because I worry about her judgement. My paranoia makes life difficult to deal with most of the time. This is yet another symptom of bipolar depression and OCD I have to deal with and would give anything for it to go away.

I feel this desire to act on the attention I get from others is going to get me into trouble. I get so wrapped up in the good feelings from it, I lose the ability to think logically. How do I stop myself from acting on these feelings? I don’t want to go on another medication. I’m tired of feeling flat as I have on some of them I’ve tried. I’d also have to deal with the weight gain as many of the new psychotropic drugs cause. I refuse to do that. So what are my other options? Do I continue seeking the attention of others? As I write this I am already needing that “high” again. If I am able to keep myself from acting on it remains to be seen.

A Marriage in Question December 27, 2009

I am so relieved that Christmas is over. I’m not usually like that about Christmas, I’m usually so disappointed when it is over. Frankly, I am looking forward to this year being over. 2009 was quite possibly the worst year of my life. Too much emotional baggage to discuss in this post, maybe I’ll discuss those details later. To be honest, I wasn’t even excited about Christmas for my kids. I sort of resented the fact that I was the parent responsible for buying and wrapping all of their presents this year. While I had a good time at my family Christmas dinner, it was my husband’s family Christmas (and all other family get togethers) that I loath. I never feel welcome. I feel as if they look down upon me from their pedestals. They talk down to me like am so beneath them. And it isn’t just me that notices this. At my kids birthday parties, my parents, other family members and future sister-in-law notices this as well. They don’t like coming to family functions where my husband’s family is in attendance. Some of us were sitting around talking about what we were going to be doing later on Christmas Day. Usually some of them go to the casino, but they’d decided not to this year. I invited them all to our house and explained that we would be having a small dinner for those who don’t have anything to do. My mother-in-law asked if my mom and dad would be there. I said yes, and without hesitation she said “well, I’d rather just stay home.” I really couldn’t believe what I had just heard. After years of telling my husband how his family made me feel and how they treat my family, I thought this would be the incident that would finally push him to talk with his mom about it. But no, he doesn’t like conflict and just ignores the situation. Thus adding to my building resentment toward him.

Today I was exhausted. I had just started my period, which I just recently started having again since I began taking Synthroid for a low thyroid. He knows from earlier in our marriage that when I have a period, I am pretty much useless. It literally knocks me off my feet for a few days. So, as hard I as I tried to get up today, I could not. I made it from our bed to the couch and then fell asleep again. We had talked about taking the kids to see the new Alvin and the Chipmunks movie but nothing was set in stone, so I opted to do it on another day. He had been snapping at me all day. I told him I wouldn’t be attending another family get together this evening and seemed pissy about the whole thing. I asked him what was wrong with him today and his response was, “well, I’ve been alone all day.” I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to tell him I am “by myself” EVERYDAY! He is never home and when he is physically, he isn’t emotionally, so I am ALWAYS home alone. Well, the kids are always here but that doesn’t really count. I just wanted to scream “SUCK IT UP!” But I didn’t, I explained that I just wasn’t feeling well, which he already knew.

So later after they’d returned and the kids were in the other room watching a movie, I told him we needed to talk. I am always the one to initiate conversation. I’ve sensed that he isn’t happy and God knows, I am not!  He said that I am always mad at him, but I explained he is always like that with me. I explained that when I ask him to do something I always have to remind him, and even then it sometimes doesn’t get done. I told him that the resentment toward him was growing. I hate when a situation arises that he doesn’t know how do deal with he just ignores it. I told him that I felt like he was totally disconnected from our marriage and has been for a while. I also said that I haven’t felt love from him in a very long time. I told him that I feel other woman (strangers & those he knows) has more of his attention than I do. He said he is angry because I never feel good and he wants me to be happy. He said that he knows that I cannot help it but yet he still takes it out on me. After several other issues were addressed and nothing resolved, he went to bed.

I’m still angry, angry because nothing ever gets resolved. Sometime I just want our marriage to be over, but I don’t want that for our children. I feel as if I have put time and effort into changing and trying to improve our marriage. But I feel like he doesn’t put forth the same effort. He’s so passive sometimes I just want to shake him, screaming that he is just letting our marriage slip away. He’s mentioned marriage counseling but of course it is “MY” responsibility to find a counselor and make the appointments around HIS schedule. Everything I do is dictated by HIS schedule. And I am sick of it. What do I do? Walk away? Are we too far gone? Or am I just in my bipolar low and feel like my world is crashing around me. No matter where I am in my bipolar depression we still have issues that are NEVER dealt with. I can no longer ignore them. The question is will he continue to?

Detox, A Gruling Process December 6, 2009

Detox, is a word often associated with addictive behaviors. Yes, I do have an addictive personality with OCD but no, I am not an alcoholic, a drug addict, or a gambler. A couple of weeks ago I ultimately made the decision to stop taking my very powerful anti-depressant, Pristiq. Thus began my DETOX. Why, you ask, would I stop taking a drug in which I know (or believe) I need and has more withdrawal side effects than states in this country? Simple really, I thought that I might be pregnant. Pristiq is a class “C” drug and has been proven unsafe for fetal development.  And because I obsess (usually not in a positive or healthy way), my thought process brought me to the conclusion that if I stayed on this medication that something would be wrong with my baby. So I stopped taking it. After suffering for two weeks with nausea, the worst anxiety I’ve ever experienced (to the point I thought I was dying), the constant feeling of an electric shock to my brain, and a litany of other side effects, I have finally flushed my body of it but not without difficulties. 

My love/hate relationship with Pristiq continues. While Pristiq curbed some of my OCD tendencies, bipolar highs & lows, and ever so slightly helped with the depression, it was definitely not a cure-all I had been hoping for. The sexual side of effects of taking anti-depressants for several years have been devastating. I have absolutely no sensitivity in the vaginal area at all making sex boring and frankly, something I could do without. Not because I don’t love my husband or desire passion, but because I get NO benefit from it. Zip. Zilch. And maybe a yeast infection. After reading posts online about women who discontinued use of Pristiq I was naively hopeful that my sexual desire would magically appear as it did with so many. Sadly, it did not. I may as well not even have a clitoris because it is not in working order. Orgasms were rare for me in the past but are totally non-existant now. Yet another one of life’s greatest pleasures lost on me.

As it turns out I am not pregnant from the rare bout of intercourse with my husband. As for not being on medication for OCD, bipolar disorder, and depression, well, I am testing the waters. My bipolar highs and lows are more pronounced with self-loathing at an all time high. I have a marked increase in my OCD tendencies which I need to get under control or it WILL keep me from being a good mother and get me into trouble both with my husband and financially. More on this in posts to come.